Just couldn't wait

A teenage girl in India killed herself today over fears that the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland will destroy the world.

Talk about impatience. She couldn't even wait to see the world explode? I mean, if you're going to shuffle off this mortal coil, getting eaten by a black hole seems much more fun than chugging pesticide.

OK, I admit, this post is incredibly mean.

In other news today, Barack Obama reacted angrily to allegations that his remark about "lipstick on a pig" was a slur directed at Sarah Palin. It's true that the allegations are ridiculous; Obama was describing McCain's efforts to sugarcoat Bush's record as "putting lipstick on a pig."

But this ignores the fact that Sarah Palin is, in fact, a pig with lipstick.

Let's see, what else is in the news...a new U.S. intelligence report predicts that America is going to lose lots of power, prestige, and influence in the decades to come. Of course, this is a totally natural phenomenon, and had nothing to do with the Bush administration. As we well know, only liberal presidents are capable of actually harming America.

And finally, a man kept his autistic son alive in shark-infested waters by yelling Disney lines. Now that is quality parenting. Thanks to his quick thinking, the man's son will live to see the world devoured by a black hole. To infinity...and beyond!