Lessons learned from this year: Ape-men are bad news

Well, folks, it's about time to dump that spent old 2005 and run off to the Bahamas with pretty young 2006. And what have we learned this year, in the wide world of public affairs?

1. Pain-resistant ape-men are bad news, especially when they are part of a secret communist army. (but you knew that already, right?)

2. George Bush careth not a fig for our God-given civil liberties.

3. Intelligent Design is not, in fact, science.

4. Elton John is gay. So are cowboys.

5. Iraq is going just badly enough to make the world hate America, but just well enough that Americans aren't willing to get out immediately.

6. Iran is just confrontational enough to make the West hate and fear it, but not quite confrontational enough to make the West take any action.

7. Politicians with large amounts of power are corrupt.

8. China's economy is taking over the world.

9. It's bad to inject people with insecticide, even if you're a doctor with a really long name.

10. Wheat is the ultimate life form. All hail wheat!

So, in conclusion, we learned basically nothing that we didn't already know. Except for, possibly, the ape men. Next year: wheat-powered ape men injecting Iranians with insecticide!